The Legend of Badass Zelda
by StriderHiryuZero
Summary: When the Hero of Time gets in a pickle of his own, an unlikely hero comes out of the woodwork to save the day!
1. Prologue

**The Legend of Badass Zelda: Prologue**

**Authors Notes:**

-This takes place in the Ocarina of Time world, however the story will not follow that game's story necessarily. I'm just using that particular world build since it's easy to imagine and probably is the most familiar of the Zelda maps to people.

-This is mostly for parody purposes, with some action involved. If you don't want to read a fic with Zelda being completely out of character, I suggest you not read this. This fanfic is a completely different take on the character and the world itself really.

-As always in my fanfics, italics indicate thoughts except when it's just one word in the middle of a sentence, and that signifies slight emphasis on a word.

It is a bright and sunny day in Hyrule today. There is a nice breeze that sways the grass of Hyrule fields. In the middle, we see two figures. The one we recognize as our Hero of Time, Link. The other is Ganondorf. They are staring each other down, waiting for the other to strike. Link has his Master Sword drawn with his Hylian Shield at the ready.

Ganon: You will regret the day you invoked my wrath.

Link: Hyaa!

Ganon: Oh, right. I forgot. He doesn't talk. *Facepalm*

Ganon gets impatient and runs to Link. He encases his hand in dark energy and punches forth. Link promptly blocks it with his shield, but he is pushed back a little bit. Link stabs forward from behind his shield, but Ganon jumps back a little to avoid it. Link then throws his shield at him (Think Captain America) and hits him in the gut. As Ganon hunches over, he takes out his longshot and shoots it straight for him. The chain wraps around his neck. Ganon struggles to get free, but Link pulls him straight towards himself. He then spins with his sword and cuts him in the torso very deep. Link then equips the Iron Boots (somehow) and stomps on his foot.

Ganon: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Ganon is hunched over in massive pain right now. While he is, Link pulls out the Megaton Hammer (Where does he keep all this shit?) and bashes him right over the head. This sends Ganondorf straight to the ground. Link has a sneer on his face, knowing he just kicked Ganon's ass for the 18th time in the last couple months. Seriously, he keeps count.

Ganon: Don't think it's over…

Just then, the seven Sages (Zelda, the eighth, is not present) all appear and surround Link. They all have darkened eyes. Link can already tell that something is up so he readies himself, but it is too late. They all shoot a beam of their particular element at him and he is encased in a beam of energy. Eventually, they stop and he is shown to be charred up and then falls to the ground. Ganondorf gets up in due time, with his face even more messed up than usual.

Ganon: Good work, my minions. Now that I have the Master Sword, no one can stop me. No one!

Switch over the Hyrule Castle. Princess Zelda is seen sitting on a throne in the middle of the throne room. A guard opens the door frantically and scurries over to the princess and kneels before her.

Zelda: What is it? And why have you come to me so frantically?

Guard: It's terrible! Link…he…

The guard informs Zelda about the situation. Apparently he had seen the whole thing, but didn't do a damn thing to help.

Zelda: I see. That is quite disturbing. Our hero is gone. And what's more, the sages have betrayed me. I suspect something.

Guards: What will we do now?

Voice: We will come up with something.

The king of Hyrule enters the room (basically imagine CDI king but in Ocarina of Time style artwork).

Zelda: Father…

King: For right now, we must get you to safety, Zelda. I suspect Ganon will come after you next.

Zelda: Oh no, I mustn't…

Guard: We will protect you with our lives, Princess!

Zelda: Thank you, but…

King: We have no time to waste. Let's go, Zelda.

Zelda: (Voice intensifies a little) Okay, fuck this shit!

King: !

Zelda: I'm not some snot-nosed princess that always needs to get saved. Well…there were those few select times, but it's different now. That was bullshit. Nintendo isn't in charge anymore.

King: Zelda!

Zelda: Leave me alone, alright?!

Zelda teleports away via Farores Wind.

Guard: I had no idea she was like this.

King: She's a rebellious one, I'll give her that.

Minutes later, we see Zelda in quite different garb. She is wearing black skin-tight jeans and a black T-Shirt with one of Metallica's album covers on the front. She is wearing spiked wristbands. She is inside her room, which has posters all over the walls of different famous rock and metal groups. Pretty much everything else except her bed is "punked out". She keeps the princessy bed because it's comfortable. She is currently lying on her bed, with her iPod nano on and headphones in her ears (Where the fuck did she get such technology?!). She is currently listening to _Stricken_ by Disturbed.

Zelda: That does it, I'm going.

Just then, the door is knocked on.

Zelda: Aww fuck. What do you want, dad?

King: Open the door!

Zelda: *Sigh* Fine. Just one second.

She turns off her iPod and then presses a button on the wall. The walls turn and everything changes into a more pink, vibrant, princess type of room. She encases herself with magic and then changes back into her dress. She throws the iPod behind the bed.

King: Zelda?!

Zelda: I'm coming. Don't shit your pants, old man!

Zelda opens the door and lets her father in.

King: Look, I know it's hard for you, having lost Link.

Zelda: Yeah, it is hard. He might not have been able to speak, but his sword came in quite handy when I got bored.

King: Oh, you mean he did some cool sword tricks for you privately?

Zelda: Yeah, let's go with that.

King: I'm sorry. I don't think there's anyone who can defeat Ganon now though.

Zelda: There is. The eighth Sage.

King: No! I forbid you to go!

Zelda: I'm going, whether or not you like it. I'm the only chance Hyrule has got. Well, unless I go contact Samus, but she's always busy in her own world. Bondage style is very popular in space, I hear.

King: …Alright. But you're taking some of our men with you.

Zelda: Yeah yeah. Anyway, it's suit up time!

A dramatic sequence takes place where she puts on a leather combat suit with the help of a servant. She puts on sunglasses at the end for effect.

Servant: Wait a minute, I thought you could change clothes with magic. Why didn't you just do that?

Zelda: …C'mere a second.

The servant walks up to Zelda and she kicks him in the shin and then puts him in a headlock.

Zelda: Never question aesthetic suit ups. Never.

Zelda then lets him go.

Zelda: Well, this is a bit tight though. I have a better idea.

She encases herself in magic again, and this time she has her Shiek guise on.

Zelda: Now this is more like it.

Just then, she hears a ding.

Zelda: Oh!

She goes over to a computer and sees that Princess Peach has sent her a message on NIM (Nintendo Instant Messenger).

ZomgItsPeach: hey bby gurl wass up

DefinitelyNotZelda: Yo, Peach. You still typing like a 10 year old?

ZomgItsPeach: not kool…smh

DefinitelyNotZelda: I'm just messing with you. What's up?

ZomgItsPeach: i asked u first

DefinitelyNotZelda: Lol Link got captured. I gotta go save his lazy ass.

ZomgItsPeach: lol

ZomgItsPeach: men are the worst

ZomgItsPeach: i told mario his fatass need to lose weight before i mary hm

DefinitelyNotZelda: …Right. Well, I'm gonna go save him now. Tell Samus I can't make the photo shoot tomorrow.

ZomgItsPeach: 4 shame. c u l8er

It is now night time. She's still in her Shiek form. She gets outside the castle when a guard spots her.

Guard: Hey, weren't you supposed to go with a small team?

Zelda: Sorry, but I can't. They'll just slow me down. Don't say anything to my father.

Guard: Will you answer one question for me if I don't?

Zelda: Yeah, sure. What is it?

Guard: When you're in that form, are you a boy or a girl?

Zelda: Would you like to find out?

She grabs the guard's head and leans closer to him. We can see a blush through his helmet. Suddenly, her eyes flare and then we see the guard fall unconscious. Zelda lets him fall to the ground.

Zelda: My time in _Super Smash Bros._ wasn't wasted. Thanks, Mewtwo. Oh, and by the way, jackass. I don't magically change gender when I disguise myself. See ya.

_With that, our princess has set off on a journey to save Link. What surprises and twists will she have to face in order to get him back? Be prepared for an exciting adventure on The Legend of Badass Zelda!_


	2. Chapter 01

**The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Great Deku Tree**

Zelda is now taking a nice stroll through the gorgeous Hyrule Fields at night, when HOLY #$% a freaking zombie attacks her!

Zelda: Oh, right. I'd better play the Sun Song.

Zelda reaches into her pocket.

Zelda: Aww shit! I left the Ocarina of Time with Link, and my harp broke when I was trying to play _Through the Fire and Flames _on it. No choice…

As a zombie approaches her, she quickly dashes with blinding speed and ends up behind the zombie. A second later, the head falls off and rolls on the ground.

Zelda: Oh yeah, this bitch has still got it.

But…the zombie promptly picks up its head and attaches it back on.

Zelda: Crap. Well, if it's only one…

But unfortunately for Zelda, it's not only one. A ton of zombies pop up out of the ground and surround her.

Zelda: Me and my luck. Hey, guys. Twilight Town is in Paper Mario's world. Why don't you…I'm talking to zombies. Time to go.

She throws down a flash bang, but it was a defected one so it didn't explode.

Zelda: FUUUUUUUUUUCK

She promptly uses Farore's Wind and teleports just outside of the ring of zombies. She then proceeds to get the hell out of there. While she is running away, she has a great idea.

Zelda: I know. I'll visit the Great Deku Tree. He'll know what to do.

By morning, she has reached Kokiri Village. She sleeps for a few hours in Link's old house and then when she wakes up, heads towards the Great Deku Tree. Only one problem. She is stopped by Mido.

Mido: None shall pass.

Zelda: The nerve on you. You have no idea who I am, do you? _I forgot, I'm still in my Shiek disguise._

Mido: YOUUUUU SHALL…

He gets cut off quickly when Zelda throws a few Senbon into his neck.

Zelda: Don't you dare finish that sentence.

Mido promptly dies.

Zelda: I guess I didn't have to kill the poor sod. But he was annoying anyway. Oh well, no worries.

She passes through the passage, but comes across a Deku Baba. It goes to bite her, but she easily dodges and then whips at it with her chain to kill it. Its stem turns into a deku stick for some odd reason.

Zelda: Cool. Might as well.

She takes the stick and sticks it on her back like a sword. She then makes it to the Deku Tree.

Zelda: Yo, Deku Tree. Been a while.

She changes back into her normal look (the dress).

Deku Tree: Ah, Zelda. I predicted that you would come.

Zelda: Listen, Link got himself captured and I need your help. How much have you seen?

Deku Tree: Enough. Ganondorf has hidden himself in a hidden realm that can only be found with the help of all the Eight Sages.

Zelda: The other seven betrayed me, unfortunately. But I suspect they were being controlled.

Deku Tree: That very well may be true. They are all holed up in their respective temples.

Zelda: I see. Does Ganon have the Ocarina of Time?

Deku Tree: He does not.

Zelda: Then do you know where it is?

Deku Tree: It is in Hyrule Temple.

Zelda: What the hell?! How did it get there?

Deku Tree: Link dropped it the other day and didn't notice.

Zelda: Shit! How do you know all of this, anyway?

Deku Tree: …Magic.

Zelda: Works for me. So I need to get those damned stones back. Do you have the forest one?

Deku Tree: Yes, but I have fallen under a curse and cannot give it to you until you cure it. Can you do it?

Zelda: Sure, why not.

The tree opens its mouth.

Deku Tree: Then you must enter and face the monster within.

Zelda: So let me get this straight. You want me inside of you to get some bad stuff out? You know, I usually charge a flat rate of 4,000 rupees per night for this kind of thing. Not to mention I have to do a background check on your medical history.

Deku Tree: Okay, wise ass.

Zelda: I wasn't given the Triforce of Wisdom for nothing, bitch.

Deku Tree: I will have someone very special assist you in there.

Zelda: Oh no…don't tell me it's…

Navi: HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN!

Zelda: Kill me now. What is it, Navi?

Navi: We have to go to the Great Deku Tree!

Zelda: We're already here, dumb shit. Let's just go.

Zelda goes inside and Navi follows. She is immediately greeted by a Deku Baba, to which she sets on fire with Din's Fire. It turns into a Deku Seed. She picks it up. She then notices the webbing that blocks a hole to go deeper into the tree.

Zelda: What's with this white stuff?

Navi: You have to divebomb from up high to get through it and go down there.

Zelda: Or…I can set it on fire like that plant thing. Hmmm….

Next thing we see is Zelda up at the highest point ready to jump off. She has her Shiek outfit back on, but without the mask and her hair is in a pony tail.

Navi: Hey! Listen!

Zelda turns around and gives Navi the middle finger and then falls backwards, off the cliff. She yells "Yahoo!" as she plunges into the web. Sure enough, she breaks right through and lands in the water below.

Zelda: I'm all wet. If you know what I mean. Eh, Navi?

Navi: That's gross!

She climbs up a nearby cliff and sees a door with metal bars in front.

Zelda: This seems to be locked with no key hole. If you know…

Navi: You have to get that torch and light that other torch.

Zelda: You're a real buzzkill, you know. How do you know all this crap anyway?

Navi: I went through this with Link, remember?

Zelda: Right.

She takes the deku stick on her back and lights it on fire and then lights the other torch. Sure enough, the metal bars lift. She swings the stick to the side and the fire goes out. She puts it back on her back. When she goes through the door, she is met by a Deku Scrub. It spits a deku seed at her, but she effectively dodges. When she gets close, it pops down into its hole.

Zelda: Hmm…

She backs up and the scrub comes up and shoots again. She does the same thing as last time.

Zelda: I see. In that case…

She backs up again. When the scrub pops up and shoots the seed, she catches it.

Zelda: Batter up!

She pitches the ball with great speed and pegs the scrub in the face.

Deku Scrub: Please forgive me, master! I'll never do it again! If you spare me, I'll teach you something cool! You will never defeat my brothers up ahead unless you punish them in the proper order. The order is…2…3…1. Twenty-three is number one. Do you think I'm a traitor?

Zelda: Uh…yeah.

Before the scrub can run away, she uses her chain to whip the scrub and kill it. The ensuing door still is barred. She sees an eye above.

Zelda: Alright then.

Zelda uses one of her senbon to hit the eye and the door opens. She goes through that door. Zelda makes her way down to the next level where there are the three Deku Scrubs.

Zelda: Let's see. If I remember right…

She takes out three senbon. She throws the first one in the middle, the second to the right and the third to the left. They all hit their targets and the left one runs. She, of course, catches up to him.

Deku Scrub: How did you know our secret?! How irritating! It's so annoying that I'm going to reveal the secret of Queen Gohma to you!

Zelda: Bitchin'.

Deku Scrub: In order to administer the coup de grace to Queen Gohma, strike with your sword while she's stunned.

Zelda: I don't have a freaking sword.

Deku Scrub: Don't take what I say literally.

Zelda: Oh okay.

She kills the scrub the same way.

Zelda: Second verse, same as the first. And now time to fight this Queen Gohma.

Zelda and Navi head through the door into a dark room. Zelda looks up to see Queen Gohma's figure.

Zelda: Oh no. Spiders…I HATE spiders.

Gohma drops down and crawls towards her. She whips with her chain, but to no avail. It just bounces off.

Zelda: Damn it!

She barely avoids getting bit by Gohma and then does a backflip. While she is in her descent, she is shown to throw one senbon, which lands straight dead center in its eye. It runs away with great pain and goes to the ceiling.

Zelda: That's right! Now what?

All the spider larvae start to drop.

Zelda: Oh no no no. One spider is enough!

She is able to whip each larvae to death before they hatch.

Zelda: Thank goodness.

Just then, Gohma drops behind her.

Zelda: Right, you.

Navi: Zelda! Don't forget, you have to attack while she's stunned!

Zelda: Oh shit, that's right.

Zelda takes the deku seed she picked up earlier and hits her with it. Gohma is now stunned and staggers. She takes out the deku stick and starts to beat the living hell out of the overgrown spider. It's pretty much dead when the stick breaks, leaving a splinted stick. She shoves the now sharp stick straight into its eye, finishing it off.

Zelda: *Pant* Wooh, that was fun.

Navi: That was so gruesome! What is wrong with you?!

Zelda: Forget about it. Let's get out of here.

A blue warp point appears and they step into it, warping outside of the Deku Tree.

Zelda: I stopped your curse. Now I'll be taking that stone.

Deku Tree: Yes, of course.

The Spiritual Stone floats down over to Zelda. She grabs it and holds it above her head.

Zelda: DA NA NA NAAAAAA!

_Chapter End_


	3. Chapter 02

**The Legend of Badass Zelda: Dodongo's Cavern**

-If you are unfamiliar with any enemy names, I would suggest going to the Zelda wiki and looking them up, if you already have not done so.

Deku Tree: I am not long for this world, Zelda. Before I go, I must tell you a few things.

Zelda: Wait, I just cured your freaking curse and now you're gonna go die on me? Why?

Deku Tree: I know, dick move, right? Oh well. Anyway, you must go to Dodongo's Cavern on Death Mountain and to Jabu Jabu in Zora's Domain. There you will find the other two stones.

Zelda: I understand.

Deku Tree: The rest is up to you. Navi, you must help her on her quest to conquer evil and save Link.

With that, the Deku Tree dies. Zelda bows her head to him out of respect.

Zelda: Rest in peace and rest assured, I will stop Ganon.

She turns around and leaves the area. When she makes it back to Kokiri Forest (the village part obviously), we can see everyone crowd around the dead Mido. Zelda backs away from the scene slowly.

Navi: What's wrong?

Zelda: Just shut up for once and follow my lead.

She puts her full Shiek disguise back on and jumps into the trees at the edge of the village. She then begins to hop from tree to tree away from the forest.

Navi: It was you, wasn't it?!

Zelda: Yes, but thankfully no one saw it.

Navi: Oh, well no one will miss that prick.

Zelda: That's what I'm talking about. Respect.

Navi: What am I saying? I think your bad habits are starting to rub off on me.

In due time, they make it back to Hyrule Field. Unfortunately for them, it is night time again.

Zelda: Ah, we're finally out of there.

The zombies begin to pop up in droves.

Zelda: Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Fuck me!

Navi: Hey! Listen!

Zelda: What?!

Navi: Attack their brain, that will kill them.

Zelda: What, seriously? Bitchin'.

About six of them come straight for her. She takes six senbon and throw them through each of their heads.

Navi: How did you do that?

Zelda: I infused magic into them to increase its penetration. Heh, pene…no time for jokes. These assholes are still coming. I have a better idea.

Navi: What?

Zelda: Run!

Zelda runs straight past the zombies and keeps running.

Zelda: Why me?!

Navi: Stop coming here at night.

Zelda: Shut up, fairy. Time is of the essence here.

By morning, they have made it to Kakariko Village.

Zelda: So…fucking…tired.

She collapses in the grass by a wall. After a few hours of sleep, she gets up and looks around.

Zelda: Oh, right. Kakariko. Let's head to the Goron's village. They might know where I can find Dodongo's Cavern.

They go to the gate to head to Death Mountain but the gatekeeper stops them.

Gatekeeper: None shall pass without the approval of Hyrule's monarchy.

Zelda: It's me, jackass.

She shows her face to the gatekeeper.

Gatekeeper: Oh, Princess ZEL…

Zelda: SHHH! I'm undercover right now. I can't be followed by paparazzi.

Gatekeeper: Oh, sorry. Go right ahead. *Wink*

She passes through and heads up Death Mountain. She encounters a few Tektites there.

Zelda: Agh! More spiders!

She wrecks them with her chain. She continues up the mountain and then sees the outside of the village in sight.

Zelda: Finally, now we can…

A huge boulder lands right next to her and startles her. A couple more boulder fall right towards her. She is able to dodge each one.

Navi: Hey!

Zelda: What?

Navi: Watch out! There are boulders coming right at you!

Zelda: I NOTICED!

She is able to dodge a few more then run to safety just at the entrance of the village.

Zelda: Whew, that was crazy. I'm not sleepy anymore, that's for sure.

She heads into the village and sees the Gorons on their normal daily routine. She notices the Goron that is always rolling around the village. She activates Nayru's Love for a moment to stop it from hitting her.

Zelda: Right. Now, tell me where Dodongo's Cavern is.

Goron: If you head back down the mountain, you should see it on your right.

Zelda: Really? I must have missed it. Well, I was half asleep then. Thanks.

They backtrack, and sure enough, it's right there.

Zelda: Say, haven't you been here before?

Navi: Yeah.

Zelda: Then why didn't you say anything?

Navi: I dunno.

Zelda: Some help you are!

Navi: Hey! Listen!

Zelda: Fuck off.

Navi: Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!

Zelda: WHAT IS IT?!

Navi: We need to go to Dodongo's Cavern.

Zelda: NO SHIT!

She grabs Navi and stuffs it in an empty bottle. She then goes inside the cavern. She notices the wall in front of her that needs to get blown up.

Zelda: I see. There's a bomb flower over here too.

She picks the bomb and throws it at the door, making it explode the door open. She now sees the skull in the back of the room and the lava pits.

Zelda: Oh joy.

She jumps to the middle where she encounters a Beamos. It shoots a laser beam at her, which catches her off guard and grazes her on the shoulder. She jumps over to the right side of the room and picks up a bomb and throws it at another Beamos. It destroys it. A small heart drops down from the explosion. She picks it up and it heals the graze on her shoulder.

Zelda: Cool.

She heads to the next room, which contain a boatload of Dodongos. She lights one on fire with Din's Fire, but that makes it explode and cause a chain reaction of explosions for all the Dodongos. When the smoke and dust clear, we see soot all over Zelda's Shiek clothing.

Zelda: That was a really bad idea. On to the next room.

She makes it to the next door, which is barred. There is a switch in front of it, though. She stands on it and the door opens. But when she steps off the switch, the door becomes locked again.

Zelda: Hmm….

She steps back on the switch, and this time speeds her way past the bars and through the door. In this next room, there are many platforms that are separated over a large pit of lava. There are two Lizalfos' waiting for her.

Zelda: Oh? An actual challenge? Come then.

Both of them charge Zelda at the same time with their swords drawn. The one on the left swings its blade, but Zelda ducks under it. She grabs its hand and then swings it over to the other Lizalfos. This stops the second one from attacking temporarily. They both regain their balance and then both start attacking at the same time with their swords. She is able to dodge each strike.

Zelda: You'll have to do better than that!

Zelda lands a hard kick to the right Lizalfos, which sends it to the next platform. The left one slashes downwards at Zelda, but she disappears and reappears behind it. She then kicks the Lizalfos' hamstring area, which makes it lean down on one knee. Zelda jumps up and grabs onto its head with her legs and then snaps its neck in one clean motion. The other Lizalfos is just getting up at this time and then makes its way back over to Zelda.

Zelda: Oh? So you can still fight, can you? Bring it on.

The Lizalfos starts to rapidly swing its sword, but to no avail. Zelda dodges each strike with great precision. Finally, she encases her hands with magical energy and then stops the sword with her hand. She then spins the Lizalfos around and kicks up the other sword from the ground. She catches it with one hand and shoves the sword directly up its ass. She then kicks it into the lava.

Zelda: I guess you could say…he was _ass_king for it.

*YouTube link - watch?v=Z9rD4Paq0zE * Zelda heads off into the next room. There she is greeted by a fully-grown Dodongo. She whips at it with her chain, but it does no damage. The Dodongo then gets ready to shoot fire at her.

Zelda: Damn.

She jumps aside when fire is spit towards her. She then steps on its tail, which seems to hurt it.

Zelda: I see. Makes sense.

She shakes her arm downwards and a kunai knife comes out of her sleeve and into her hand. She uses it to cut the tail off the Dodongo.

Zelda: If you're anything like the babies, then RUN!

She runs away as it explodes.

Zelda: Close call.

She then looks in front of her to see a lot of torches that are unlit and one that is lit.

Zelda: Oh, it's just like the Deku Tree. But I don't have a deku stick. No choice, I'll have to use some of my magic power.

Just then, she notices a door to her right. She goes through it and sees a Business Scrub in front of her. It shoots a deku nut at her and she catches it and throws it back like the Deku Scrub. After it pops up, she goes over to it.

Business Scrub: You got the stuff?

Zelda: What?

Business Scrub: Oh, sorry. Never mind. You want to buy a deku stick for 15 rupees?

Zelda: Sure, where are the sticks?

Business Scrub: Right here.

He reaches into the hole he popped out of and takes out a stick.

Zelda: Ah, perfect.

She immediately cuts him in half with her kunai and then takes the stick.

Zelda: Yoink!

Just like at the Deku Tree, Zelda lights the torches on fire and opens the next door. She is now in the main room again. There is a switch in front of her.

Zelda: …I could have climbed up here from the start too.

She steps on the switch and a door unlocks on the other side. She jumps to the left side of the room and heads through that door. She finds a row of bombs against a wall.

Zelda: What's up with this?

She looks on the other side and there is the same thing. There is only one spot in the middle that is missing a bomb. Sure enough, there's a bomb flower behind her.

Zelda: My OCD is kicking in. I must fill that last space!

Zelda takes the bomb and places it in the middle. It explodes and sets off a chain reaction to set off all the bombs. The middle structure collapses into a staircase.

Zelda: Oh, nice.

She heads up the staircase and rings around the room into another room. This one has a switch that is guarded by three Armos statues. She moves one and the other two come to life and attack her.

Zelda: Holy shit!

She jumps back and activates Din's Fire and lights them both on fire. They explode near her and put more soot on her clothing.

Zelda: Why does everything have to fucking explode in here?!

She steps on the switch to open the door in front of her. When she does, she's back in the main room, but just above the skull. She notices two bomb flowers. Suddenly, she feels a jerk as Navi is desperately trying to get out of the bottle. Zelda lets her out.

Navi: FINALLY!

Zelda: Are you gonna be good now?

Navi: Yes, I promise. Oh, hey!

Zelda: …What?

Navi: Throw those bombs into that skull's eyes.

Zelda: Okay.

She does and it opens the skull's mouth. She jumps down and heads into the mouth and into a room where the lava pit is in a square formation in the middle and the only safe land is a narrow strip on the edges of the square room. In the middle is King Dodongo.

Zelda: Ah, shit.

_To be continued_


	4. Chapter 03

**The Legend of Badass Zelda: Zora's Domain**

Zelda: Ah, shit.

Navi: It's King Dodongo.

Zelda: I gathered as much. So what's the deal with this guy?

Navi: His shell is near impenetrable. You need to throw bombs in his mouth.

Zelda: I don't have any of those!

Navi: Well, then you're screwed.

Zelda: Thanks for the moral support!

The large creature charges at Zelda. She is able to avoid it and throw a few senbon simultaneously. The senbon bounce off the thick armor.

Zelda: Tch! Even with magic infused into them…

Just then, two Lizalfos drop down from the ceiling and pincer attack Zelda. She dodges each of their blades strikes and then notices King Dodongo charging at her again. She looks to her left and tackles the Lizalfos out of the way and thereby avoids the charge for the second time.

Zelda: This is a tough one. No choice.

She gets up and takes the deku stick off her back. The Lizalfos' ready another attack and King Dodongo gets in ball form and then rolls towards Zelda. Zelda twirls the stick around and then slams it into the ground, causing a shockwave on the ground. This sends the two Lizalfos flying and it stops King Dodongo. Zelda is now encased in white energy of some sort. She points her staff towards the left Lizalfos and sends a magic ball towards it. It makes contact and explodes, killing it. She then disappears and appears in front of the other one, faster than it can follow. She points the stick at its face and a blast ensues, covering the Lizalfos and destroying it completely.

Zelda: Now, for you.

The deku stick break, due to the sheer power being channeled through it. King Dodongo begins rolling at a high velocity towards her. She sticks out her hand and activates Nayru's Love to put up a shield in front of her. This stops the Dodongo dead in its tracks and forces it out of ball form. She then jumps on its head and vaults up high into the air and starts to flip a few times. She then lifts her leg up high and then brings it straight down right onto King Dodongo's neck. At first, this does nothing, but then a huge shockwave rumbles through King Dodongo and sends it crashing down to the ground hard. It coughs up the Goron's Ruby.

Zelda: DA NA NA NAAAAAA!

Navi: Zelda, that was incredible.

Zelda: That isn't quite my full power, but it's still taxing on me.

She starts panting as the energy surrounding her dissipates. She moves slowly towards the warp point and warps out. She lands outside the cavern. A few Gorons are there.

Goron: That's our spiritual stone!

Zelda: Yeah, well I'm borrowing it for a little while.

Goron: But you can't!

Zelda: Need it to save the world. K thanks bye.

She leaves with the ruby.

Zelda: Goron…more like moron. Am I right?

Navi: That's horrible!

Zelda: Whatever. Let's rest.

After Zelda rests on a roof in Kakariko, she looks to the graveyard of Kakariko.

Zelda: Impa…you're in the Shadow Temple, aren't you? Just hang on. I'll free you from Ganon's oppression.

They leave Kakariko.

Navi: Hey!

Zelda: What?

Navi: Listen! Why don't you just use Farore's Wind to get to Zora's Domain?

Zelda: I might be better at using spells than Link, but I can't use it freely. I can only use that spell to go anywhere I've been recently. Not to mention the further I go, the more magic it eats up.

Navi: Okay.

Zelda: It's not like we have far to go anyway.

They travel along the side of Hyrule Field. Unfortunately for them…

Zelda: DON'T SAY IT!

It's night time.

Zelda: FUUUUCK!

Hoards of zombies come after them as they run to the water.

Zelda: ZOMBIE U IS THAT WAY, ASSHOLES! LEAVE US ALONE!

Fortunately, they make it across the river and shake them. They make their way to the entrance of Zora's Domain.

Navi: Oh yeah, you have to play your song to get in.

Zelda: Yeah, but I still need that last stone to get the Ocarina.

Navi: Right…

Zelda: Not a problem.

Zelda claps her hands together and activates a small spherical barrier that encases her and Navi. She jumps right through the waterfall no problem and enters Zora's Domain.

Zelda: It's been a while since I've been here. Let's head up to the king.

She makes her way up to the king of Zora's Domain.

Zelda: Hello, it's been a while.

King: Ah, Princess Zelda! It's good you showed up. Something bad has happened.

Zelda: That's why I'm here.

King: Then, you know where Princess Ruto might be?

Zelda: Yes. She is likely being held hostage at the Water Temple. I can sense the sages are scattered amongst Hyrule.

King: Please save her!

Zelda: I will. Just give me that Zora Sapphire.

King: You'll have to ask Jabu Jabu for it.

Zelda: Oh that thing…alright then.

The Zora king begins to slide to the side at a very slow pace to try to let Zelda through. After like a minute of waiting…

Zelda: I have a better idea.

She jumps onto the king's level of ground and then jumps over him.

Zelda: Much better.

She heads outside to where Jabu Jabu is.

Zelda: Yo, Jabu Jabu. Give me the sapphire.

She gets no response.

Zelda: …Fine then.

Zelda goes up to Jabu Jabu and kicks its mouth. It moves around in pain and then spits out the Zora Saphire to her.

Zelda: That's more like it. Now I have all three. Oh yeah and did I mention? DA NA NA NAAAAA!

Just then, she senses something and jumps back to avoid a lightning bolt. But because of the water she's in, she gets shocked from it.

Navi: What was that?

Zelda: I recognize that spell. Thunder. The Seventh Sage. Show yourself, Pent!

In case any of you didn't pick up that Ocarina of Time only had Seven Sages, Pent (Reference: Fire Emblem GBA) appears in front of Zelda.

Zelda: You have a lot of guts showing up in my world and becoming an official sage and then turning against me.

Pent: Fimbulvetr.

Zelda: Oh shit! Hey, wait a minute…

Pent unleashes, Fimbulvetr, which causes a large gust of wind and ice to rain down on the area, which freezes the immediate water. Zelda is able to teleport out of there with Farore's Wind in time and teleport behind Pent. She throws a few senbon, but Pent turns around and blocks them with a simple fire spell.

Zelda: So you want to play hardball, do you?

She sends a ball of Din's Fire towards Pent, and Pent counters with Elfire. The Elfire overpowers Din's Fire, but falls short of Zelda. Just then, Zelda is right in front of Pent and looks straight into his eyes.

Zelda: Hey, you're not being controlled.

Pent: Nope.

Zelda steps back a little.

Zelda: Well then what the fuck was the point to attacking me and helping Ganondorf capture Link?!

Pent: I dunno. It seemed like fun.

Zelda: Shit. You need to go back to your own world.

Pent: Do you want my help or not?

Zelda: Sure, what information can you give me?

Pent: As you may have feared, the sages are all in their respective temples.

Zelda: What are they doing there?

Pent: They're giving power to Ganondorf gradually. The more it takes for you to free them, the more power he'll have.

Zelda: I see. I'm going to the Temple of Time first. I need the Ocarina of Time and then I can save Rauru at the same time.

Pent: Good luck. I will give you some of my power, so that you can use it against Ganon.

Zelda: Great! You know, if you weren't married, I'd be all over you.

Pent: I get that a lot.

Pent raises his hands and gives Zelda some of his power.

Pent: Oh and did you master that tome I gave you?

Zelda: I think I got the hang of it. Magic in Fire Emblem is fucking complicated, man.

Pent: I know. Consider it thanks for teaching me Farore's Wind. Anyway, see you at the Temple of Time when you've gathered all the sages.

Pent teleports away with Farore's Wind.

Navi: Hurry! We have to get back to the Temple of Time!

Zelda: Right. I'll teleport there.

Navi: Have you been there recently?

Zelda: No, but I did pass the route to it on the way out of the castle grounds. This is going to take up a lot of magic power, so hang on.

Navi sits on Zelda's shoulder as she focuses and then teleports.

_Chapter End_


End file.
